Soggy Sundays

Church is so difficult. It doesn't have to be, but I feel that the cause is mostly my fault. You see, I've hit an impasse with my desire to go. Maybe I've hit an impasse with my entire faith. Sometimes it seems like I'm at the edge of losing it, but pure stubbornness keeps me grounded. When I take a step back and look at the universe, I know there is a God, the one of scripture, the Alpha and Omega. As Jon Cussack says, 'you have to have a pretty big ego to think that there's nothing more than us.' Philosophically, theologically, rationally, God exists. So I'm forced to conclude that I'm undergoing a spiritual rut brought on by my selfish attitude. I have forsaken discipline for lethargy, because that way I won't have to deal with people. Ironically people are what make me tick. I need to become more motivated.

I need passion back in my life. Is there anything in this world that will drive to progress?

All That You Can't Psychologically Leave Behind

Today I've been slightly more tense then usual. This past week I prided myself on my ability to stay away from a very unhealthy situation. Well its easy to ignore the situation when it's not coming after you. But as always happens, it finds me when I've had strong resolve to ignore it. It's no sin but it's definitely not that beneficial. And no...I'm not talking about masturbation, or any other conceivable scenario dragged out of the gutter of your minds.

Sometimes I wonder if there can develop some form of psycho-connection between people. I use this term quite hypothetically as well as very seriously. Evidentially, many scientists would disagree, however it's strange, the things happening to me with people. I'll have a dream about someone and the next day they'll contact me for no apparent reason other then to say 'hi'.

You think that you can leave it all behind? You're wrong.

Outing II: Critical Junctions

A sound relief from last night's almost torturous encounter, today's coffee date was encouraging. I wish I could find more solid Christian females like this one. She has the brains, the spiritual maturity and the looks to boot. Unfortunately we're just friends and will always remain such I feel - as she noted to me much earlier in the year. Nonetheless, it was a good afternoon and much needed therapy. I almost started believing I was asexual.

If you read this please pray for her as she is heading into a hurricane, quite literally.

Among other things I've come to a dramatic impass with Tyndale University. It seems I've begun to disbelieve in it alltogether. That's the problem when you put faith in the institution rather than the God they're trying to serve. You'll always walk away dissapointed. We need to hold steadfast to the great comission and the Christ-centred lifestyle.

I'm having alot of these weired dreams lately. Armageddon, old flames and women I used to love. It seems that in my dreams I face death with the ultimate acceptence that'll awake to peace. Why then does this not carry over into real life. To approach death with the expectation and acceptence that I shall be in paradise so what does it matter, this life?

All good things to think about.

Outing I: Transversing the World between Worlds

Tonight I dared to traverse that strange little world between online dating and face to face encounter. What was I trying to prove? It's non-negotiable, ill-advisable, risky and quite possibly lethal. My attempts to manage the gulf sent me scurrying back to the safe harbours of singlehood. There have been some who sucessfully make the crossing, but many - like myself - walk away frustrated by dissapointment (though glad to make a new friend). Chemistry, chemistry, chemistry...how can I make this any clearer. But what is that anyways? If I recount my two encounters with love, I can't even remember how it evolved. Surely there was a point where I knew them only at a distance. I can remember not knowing them and then loving them. But at which point did love enter my heart? That longing to be with them regadless of circumstance, form or apperence. Such things I long for in life. I know only this. If chemistry is no there, I'm utterly the most boring person on earth.